A “Dancing With the Stars” Premiere Recap: Pamela Anderson Stuns the Judges With Her Sexual Performance (VIDEO)

I’d never watched a full episode of Dancing With the Stars until last night.  I guess it was because I worked for Americanidol.com so the last thing I wanted or needed in my life was another show of the same ilk to watch.  My opinion after last night?  I’d rather have my uterus scraped but, hey, I guess I should give it another shot, right?  I mean, everyone seems to like it and I’m basically a follower by nature, so I’ll see what I can do to hate it a little less next week.

The show began with an awkward clutch between new host Brooke Burke and Tom Bergeron, as they introduced the new contestants with some elevator music while the pairs descended the stairs.  It was fairly uneventful, although I thought Pamela Anderson looked like her breasts beat her down the stairs by a full minute.  I’d never seen anyone do a live show looking more messed up than Paula Abdul…until Pamela Anderson.

Chad Ochocinco started things off with his predictable match-up of Cheryl Burke, and my overall reaction was “Meh.”  It wasn’t painful to watch but it definitely wasn’t fun.  The only interesting to happen during their stint was when Bruno went to comment, he said that Ochocinco obviously had a “huge, huge, huge…talent.”  What’s the over/under on Cheryl Burke seeing his “talent” this season?  In the end, they got an 18/30.

Tom Bergeron called Shannen Doherty the “bad girl of Beverly Hills,” and all I could think of was how sad that this is still what she’s remembered for.  Doesn’t anyone recall her marriage to Rick Solomon? No?  She was paired with Mark Ballas for a Viennese Waltz, and the concentration on her face was evident.  She said she was out there for her dad but you just know she wanted to do better than Jennie Garth.  Surprisingly, the girl known for her temper got quite emotional before they got their score of 18/30.

ESPN’s Erin Andrews was next, and she’s been in the news as of late for having been the victim of a peeping Tom (no, not Bergeron).  Despite expressing her desire for Tony as a partner, she was paired with Maksim Chmerkovskiy, whose name actually mandated that he become a dancer.  Their performance was actually pretty good, and it doesn’t hurt that Andrews’ legs go for miles – nay, a marathon.  They ended up with a 21/30 and what has to be a grudge against Carrie Ann Inaba for calling Andrews’ legs “soft.”

Jake Pavelka hit the floor after Andrews and his stint on the show thus far has proved just as boring as his run as “The Bachelor”.  He was paired with Chelsie Hightower, and the only funny thing I noticed is that he did a lot of “airplane arms.”  The judges seemed fairly bored as well but gave him a 20/30.

Niecy Nash spoke to her dancing partner, Louis Van Amstel, a great deal about her love for her “jiggly parts” and how she doesn’t want to lose them with all the training.  You just gotta love this woman.  She shook said jiggly parts quite a bit throughout the routine, but I guess I was hoping for a little more comedy during the judges’ comments.  Instead, she cried and then seemed to get angry when they gave her actual criticism.  What’s a girl gotta do to get a laugh around this place?  Len called the performance “flat” and “uneventful” and the pair got an 18/30.  She dedicated it her performance to thick girls everywhere as Brooke Burke tried to pretend she understood.

Evan Lysacek teamed up with Anna Trebunskya, and he spent the majority of the time trying to convince everyone that being a professional ice skater doesn’t help him at all in the competition.  The performance was graceful if nothing else, but I’ve seen more chemistry between my grandpa and his nursing home aide.  They took the lead with a 23/30.

Buzz Aldrin was paired with Ashly Costa, who apparently just returned to the show after being on it in season 3.  I’m sure she was “over the moon” (groan) to be paired with the 80-year-old Aldrin, who looked as though he’d like to fondle her if he could actually keep up with her.  The awkward performance, which mainly consisted of him walking across the dance floor while she tried to distract by looking pretty, looked more like an ad for Cialis.  They got a measly 14/30 – so much for respecting our living legend.

Nicole Scherzinger also had a predictable partner as the show paired her with the adorable albeit kind of fake looking Derek Hough.  Like Lysacek, Scherzinger spent most of the time on camera trying to convince everyone that being the lead singer of The Pussycat Dolls hasn’t given her an advantage, but as soon she took one step on the dance floor it was clear this wasn’t true.  Len gave it the old college try by being tough on her, saying she had “no footwork” and “lacked musicality,” but she walked away with a 25/30.

All My Children star Aiden Turner was paired with the extremely scantily-clad Edyta Sliwinska to dance the cha cha to “Hungry Like a Wolf,” and the judges seemed to berate him more than anyone else that night.  At least he walked away having sneaked in a motorboat on Sliwinska’s cleavage at the end of the number.  The guy’s not stupid, although he did get a 15/30, a measly point ahead of the barely-breathing Buzz Aldrin.  As a side-note, if I ever do find a Genie in a bottle, you can bet one of my wishes will be to have a body like Sliwinska.

Kate Gosselin, who had been shown getting chummy with fellow bleached blond Pamela Anderson throughout the night, was paired with Tony Dovolani.  She was shown being just as miserable as you might expect during their rehearsals, to the point that Dovolani felt the need to ask her if she really wanted to be there.  My gosh, is there a more unlikable person on the earth than this woman?  The only good thing I can say about her performance is she seems to have lost weight.  Yeah, that’s about it.  The judges pointed out her overabundance of nerves, and she walked away with a 16/30.  Hopefully someone reminded her she has a sh-tload of children to go home to at the end of the night – you know how those Gosselin’s tend to forget that.

A haggard-looking Pamela Anderson with one-night-stand hair took the stage in the pimp spot with partner Damian Whitewood.  High def TV is not her friend, as that woman looks ridden hard and put away wet…very wet.  She benefited throughout the performance when her hair mercifully covered her face but, at 42, the woman still definitely knows how to shake it.  As Bruno put it, the only thing he could think of throughout the performance was sex, sex, sex (but he might have wanted to add something about STD testing).  She grabbed her boobs while talking to Brooke Burke after the performance and acted like she’d downed a magnum of champagne with a handful of painkillers.  She ended the night with a 21/30.

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