Angelina Jolie’s ‘Cousin’ Savagely Beaten by Brad Pitt and John Travolta?

Filed in Gather Celeb News Channel by on June 24, 2012 0 Comments

Poor Angelina Jolie. A man named Jonathan Jolie who claims to be her cousin has filed a request for a restraining order against Brad Pitt and John Travolta who he claims attacked him and savagely beat him. The restraining order would also include the Church of Scientology—the arch-villain behind the beat down. Jonathan claims the Pope had sent him on a mission to Florida to prevent Brad Pitt from becoming a Scientologist. The Church of Scientology retaliated by ordering his beat down.

No, the bizarre story above is not a misprint. According to sources, documents have actually been filed in Florida. In them, Jonathan Jolie makes many even more incredible claims.

“Jonathan Jolie was at the Church of Scientology in Clearwater, Florida on 6/1/12 and was physically assaulted by Brad Pitt & John Travolta…,” he wrote. “I live in Vatican City and was sent directly from Pope Benedict to spy and stop Brad Pitt from joining the Scientologists in Clearwater headed by John Travolta, and I take it personal because if Brad Pitt becomes a Scientologist, he will brainwash his Scientology beliefs on my cousin Angelina Jolie which means the Jolie seeds will be infected and our bloodline ruined as I am also albino by birth and marksman at night and Pope Benedict called me into his secret chamber and told me Brad Pitt must be stopped immediately.”

Well, that clears that up.

Jonathan Jolie further explained that Brad and Travolta were disguised as the stars of the 80s T.V series, Perfect Strangers, and they were holding hands. Jonathan ran to his car to get his sword and armor, warning Brad Pitt that he was prepared to fight to the death to keep him from entering the Scientology building with Travolta. He also revealed that Angelina Jolie had no idea that her baby daddy and Travolta were lovers.

Believe it or not, Jonathan’s story gets even crazier which is obviously why the restraining order request was laughed—er—thrown out of court. Jonathan Jolie fears for his life, and he’s now “hiding out” at the Italian Embassy in New York.

Whoever this man is, he’s obviously in dire need of help, but a restraining order probably won’t do the trick. Perhaps some strong medication?

Just saying.

So far, there’s been no word from Jonathan’s “cousin” Angie, Brad Pitt, or John Travolta. Wonder why?

© Hope Carson 2012

Hope Carson is the author of 2 books: A Roaring Girl: An Interview with the Thinking Man’s Hooker and A Thousand and One Night Stands: The Life of Jon Vincent. You can follow her on Twitter.

About the Author ()

Leave a Reply