Bread, Water, and Batteries

Filed in Gather Writing Essential by on January 23, 2008 0 Comments

The local Weather Nazis are predicting a "hard freeze" and "possible ice storms" for South Georgia this weekend. Actually, they're predicting this sort of action for Saturday night. Saturday the weather will be mostly above freezing, and Sunday the weather will be mostly above freezing. If there is ice it won't stick around too long.


Back in 1992, just a couple of weeks after I was hired, we had a freak ice storm hit South Georgia. An inch or so of ice fell and the whole of South Georgia came to a dead halt. People flocked to the stores to buy bread, water, and batteries. Yes, they bought bread, water, and batteries. You know, maybe it's just me, but I was thinkin' that none of those three items would be particularly interesting in an ice storm. Come on now, if you've lived in South Georgia for a while you know that there are two seasons; Christmas and Summer. You can outlast most winter storms in South Georgia if you've got the extended version of Gone With The Wind.


The Flood Of 1994 caused a massive BW& B buyout, and I'm thinkin' then that none of those three items are going to help you get the hell away from the water, which by the way, you really ought to be doing. I'm here to tell you people that if there is any chance of flooding you best be moving. I'm here to reveal to you how to tell if floodwater is too deep to cross; if the bottom of your shoes are wet, the water is too deep. Stay the hell out of the water, get the hell away from the water, and don't come back until it's gone. Water kills more people each year than does all other weather related killings combined. It hates us. Get used to that idea.


Remember Y2K? The BW&B buyout from that looked like looting in LA after the Rodney King mess. I most certainly want a lot of white bread with me when everything goes to hell. Yeah, buddy, that Wonder Bread is going to be a precious commodity in the aftermath of a dead civilization. What'cha going to do with a basket load of "C" batteries? You gonna throw them at squirrels or something? Ever stop to think that without all the rest of the stuff that makes a radio station run, that you having a working radio is going to be just left of useless? Besides, if civilization ends, you won't need a radio to tell you what's happening. I can tell you now, in fact. If civilization ends, unless you know a hell of a lot about surviving in the woods, you are so totally screwed. If it does happen, get the hell away from people, stay the hell away from people, and don't come back until they're gone. Trust me, they won't last long.


It would be different if the people were buying anything but white bread and flashlight batteries. Hey, I'm totally onboard with the idea that water is going to be scarce, but when was the last time you had a really useful flashlight? How long do you think those batteries are going to last anyway? Has it not occurred to any of the BWB crowd that white bread is just about as nutritious as Twinkies? Has anyone out there ever heard for any of the hard core live without humanity groups hoarding white bread? Have you ever seen one of those Mad Max movies where the mutants are trying to break into the last bastion of humanity for the white bread? Doesn't that make you……Wonder?


If all hell broke loose and there was no more power and no more food, I'm thinking that I don't want to use a flashlight that much at night. Why advertise where you are? Think about it. On your average drive to work, how many stupid people are out there with you? You know, the people doing their make-up while driving, those people reading while driving, or those people who drive slow in the fast lane. Well, these are the people who are going to be wandering the post apocalyptic world wondering who has all the white bread. Odds are, they've stocked up on nothing at all, and want you to share. You do not want to share your white bread with a person who didn't see this coming, now do you? Turn the flashlight off and drink your water in the dark.


Honestly, I figure about 95% of the people in America are dead meat if the power goes off for a year. I also figure I'm one of those 95%. I need fresh coffee, high speed internet, and Lost reruns on my computer. I have only one flashlight, and no white bread. If all hell breaks loose I don't think anyone can tell you what you need to survive because I think we've all forgotten how.  But I am almost certain that BWB believers will not inherit the earth.


Take Care, Sunbeam,


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