Breaking News! Medellin Columbia Drug Cartel Goes Legit! (Humor)

Filed in Gather Writing Essential by on March 1, 2011 0 Comments

Flash! I have insider knowledge that not even our government knows, that the Medellin, Columbia drug cartel is about to go legit! What is my source, you might ask? Well between you & me & the fence post, my grocer told me.

Anyone who knows me, knows that you don’t talk to me in the morning until I have been awake for at least two hours, & have consumed a full pot of coffee. In the words of Rex Harrison in “My Fair Lady” I am “A Gentle Man.” I will put up with Patti Beagle waking me at 3:00 AM because she wants a milkbone biscuit, then her going back to sleep, leaving me up blearty-eyed to watch infomercials. She gets by with it, because she has sense enough not to talk to me. I’m a gentle man, I am.

I have considered taking my caffeine by needle to enhance the rush. Anyway, I digress. Last night, discovering that my coffee can was nearly empty, & dreading the thought of waking up without a full pot of coffee, I killed two birds with one stone by taking Patti for her mandatory ride & heading to the grocery store.

Upon entering the coffee aisle, I immediately sensed that something was awry. On both ends of the aisle stood armed security guards. I reached for a full can of MJB Columbia & my hand froze in midair. I instinctively screamed “What the hell! $13.99! Something is wrong! Where’s the Manager!” Both security guards slowly edged a few steps toward me, their hands resting on their sidearms.

I meekly pulled my hand back & looked at an off-brand can whose small print said “Less than 10% floor sweepings, Guaranteed. Price: $10.99. “What the hell” I said, (Under my breath.) Then I spotted an MJB Columbian can marked $7.99! It was the same circumference as the other cans & I quickly picked it up. “Aha!”, (I thought.) “The dummies must have screwed up on their pricing labels!”

“What the hell”, (I thought) the can is only HALF as deep as the $13.99 MJB can. I’m no rocket scientist, but I didn’t just fall off of the turnip truck either. $7.99 plus $7.99 = $15.98. Ya know how these coffee cans all show a wierd net weight of something like 1 Lb., 11.8 oz. which seems to creep down monthly as the price creeps up? My store convienently places “Cost per ounce” next to their price labels, but they somehow always forget to do so in the coffee aisle.

I made my choice of cans & headed for the checkout lane. “What the hell”(I thought) “What harm can 10% floor sweepings do? It’s not like the can was marked as containing dangerous or harmful materials or somethin.’ The checkout guy had a distinctly Columbian accent. As I paid & left the store, I had to pass through a portal next to which was standing a guy wearing a jacket with the letters “TSA” printed on the back. I heaved a sigh of relief that I wasn’t asked to remove my shoes, as I hadn’t changed my socks for a few days.

Long story short, (Oops – too late for that), this is proof to anyone with half a brain that the Medellin Cartel has gone legit. There is now more profit in coffee than in illegal drugs. Another success story of good old American ingenuity. I can smell that coffee brewing now… (I’ll use two filters.)



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Inquisitive. Enjoy conversation. opinionated, but open-minded. Don't plan to ever stop learning.

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