Calling all writers and editors…..HELP

Filed in Gather Travel Essential by on March 7, 2013 0 Comments

I’m writing a fictional past tense narrative……how do I keep it from being passive?  My ‘little  ole lady spy’, is writing about her most recent adventure, telling what happened. I want her to show what happened.  Can anyone redo this part to give me an idea of how it’s done?

Settling into my Business Class seat, I pull out my Kindle, pretending to read.  It’s the best way to keep seatmates from bothering me. I can’t let mindless chatter distract me. I am trained to be constantly alert to all potential danger when on a mission.  I am always careful to be sure of not being followed.  Sometimes I wonder who would follow a 64 year old, gray haired senior citizen, supposedly on vacation to Europe?  There is usually no one, except this time I was being followed. Although I didn’t see him or her, my intuitive alert system was on high alert.

Nearing our cruising altitude, I got (should this be got or get?) that gut feeling, the intuitive flash, the ‘almost right between-the-eyes punch’, screaming at me that I am not only being followed, but in danger.  I was “in the cross-hairs,” as Jake, my trainer back at SIP, calls it.

My training emphasized appearing normal.  No nervous gestures.  Just stay calm, relaxed, show no signs of stress.  Fortunately I was well trained.  I could do it outwardly, but inside my stomach was churning, my nerves taut.  God, I am getting too old for this, but then I was old when I began working for SIP, Systems Intelligence Program.

This is near the beginning of the narrative.  I love the story, it’s almost at the final chapter, but as I was reading it yesterday, it seemed bland…..perhaps because I’ve read it so many times, but I think it might be too passive……HELP,

The characters go from NY to London, then to Paris, and eventually a B&B in the south of France.  I need to liven it up and I am hoping you all can comment on how to show, not tell and be active, not passive.  Your advice will be priceless.


About the Author ()

Published author, most recent novel, "Annon's Secret Something Within" With more than 500 articles on the Internet ranging from health and fitness to philosophy and spirituality, writing/communicating is my joy. That and being with my grandkids.

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