I’m writing a fictional past tense narrative……how do I keep it from being passive? My ‘little ole lady spy’, is writing about her most recent adventure, telling what happened. I want her to show what happened. Can anyone redo this part to give me an idea of how it’s done?
Settling into my Business Class seat, I pull out my Kindle, pretending to read. It’s the best way to keep seatmates from bothering me. I can’t let mindless chatter distract me. I am trained to be constantly alert to all potential danger when on a mission. I am always careful to be sure of not being followed. Sometimes I wonder who would follow a 64 year old, gray haired senior citizen, supposedly on vacation to Europe? There is usually no one, except this time I was being followed. Although I didn’t see him or her, my intuitive alert system was on high alert.
Nearing our cruising altitude, I got (should this be got or get?) that gut feeling, the intuitive flash, the ‘almost right between-the-eyes punch’, screaming at me that I am not only being followed, but in danger. I was “in the cross-hairs,” as Jake, my trainer back at SIP, calls it.
My training emphasized appearing normal. No nervous gestures. Just stay calm, relaxed, show no signs of stress. Fortunately I was well trained. I could do it outwardly, but inside my stomach was churning, my nerves taut. God, I am getting too old for this, but then I was old when I began working for SIP, Systems Intelligence Program.
This is near the beginning of the narrative. I love the story, it’s almost at the final chapter, but as I was reading it yesterday, it seemed bland…..perhaps because I’ve read it so many times, but I think it might be too passive……HELP,
The characters go from NY to London, then to Paris, and eventually a B&B in the south of France. I need to liven it up and I am hoping you all can comment on how to show, not tell and be active, not passive. Your advice will be priceless.