FACEBOOK BUYS GATHER.COM

Filed in Gather Writing Essential by on April 1, 2014 0 Comments

“It seemed like the right thing to do.” a smiling Mark Zuckerberg told a stunned group of reporters in the foyer of his Palo Alto home. “They launched shortly after us, and I was so jealous.”

“I dreamed of the day I could transform my humble website into what it should always have been, and what Gather always was, to my shame, but I never expected the opportunity to arise. And for a mere 47 million dollars! That’s less than I paid for the four residences abutting my property!” ejaculated the famed entrepreneur.

“Believe me,”continued the wealthy philantropist, “I have not purchased Gather to bury it (like I should have done to those Winklevoss sons of bitches)…but to raise it…Gather will be the pride and focus of the facebook family. Or rather, facebook is now a proud subsidiary of this fabled network, and will expend all resources necessary to make it the rightful Queen of the Net. All facebook memberships will be added to Gather on April 25, the day Gather crashed…and soon…the day it rose from the ashes.”

The kind of funny looking guy then fielded questions from a weirded out media.

Q. Mr. Zuckerberg, I tried to log on to this “Gather.com”…

A. Clear your cache and cookies. Download Chrome. Or Firefox. Or something, a clean browser. What are you, stupid?

Q. Sorry…OK, Bing worked…incredible…but they aren’t taking on new members?

A. *sigh* I’M MARK ****in’ ZUCKERBERG. Peasant. Next!

Q. Mr. Zuckerberg, I’m a member, I’ve been quite active on Gather, writing about Global warming…

BLAM!!! *thud*

A. Thought that was you…any other questions? I’m good for any amount of good ones, and 5 more stupid ones.

Q. (tentatively) Mr. Zuckerberg…are you a member, have you been a member…all along?

A. (pause)…yes…yes I have…and I’ll tell you something else, too, and you better shut up, wake up and listen up...civil unrest is coming.

Q. Oh, I don’t like the sound of that, could you expl…

A. No, I’m not explaining anything, I’m telling you, and you’re not going to “like” it, noone’s going to ‘like’ anything anymore, there is no ‘like’ anymore, just recommend. Think you can handle three syllables, cretin?

(long pause, reporter huddle)

Q. Why would you do this thing?

A. Why would I drive an Acura when I could have a fleet of McLarens? Why would I get married instead of screw my way up one coast and down the other? (agitated) Why would I buy every house around my own? Why do I pay an electrolycist 6 figures to do my face? (screaming now) Why are you HERE listening to me, because I’m ****in’ RICH, for ****s sake!

(pause)

OK, one more.

Q. Will there be points again?

A. Yes. Well, maybe. If you’re lucky. Or Gather stock. OK! Thank you, and see you on Gather.com! Friend me!

 

 

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