GNN: Obama Death Panel Sentences Frog to Life on Ice Floe with Ursine Companion

Barrow, AK

August 13, 2009

by Digger Burrows, GNN Obama Death Panel and Ice Floe Correspondent

Nippy Katz, Gather’s rubber frog faced an Obama Death Panel today.  The panel, composed of 5 carefully selected Certified Government Bureaucrats has decreed that Katz shall spend the remainder of his life on an ice floe.  Since ice floes have been a bit scarce due to an earlier Bush administration initiative designed to create a Northwest Passage through climate manipulation, the panel chose an ice floe occupied by a polar bear, a member of a species that’s also the beneficiary of another Bush administration environmental initiative.

Katz has already been transported to the ice floe where he’ll remain while his case is on appeal.

Panel Spokesbureaucrat Denton T. Young said “Katz clearly has outlived his usefulness.  His paint is peeling and he doesn’t have the resilience he had when he left the factory.  Modern medical technology could replace the paint but it can’t revive the de-polymerized rubber.  His squeaker no longer works.  It can’t be replaced with an off the shelf part. He would have to undergo a costly retrofit with a digital squeaker.  His brittle rubber can’t support the additional weight of the electronic device and its battery.  Our only choice under the federal Obamacare Guidelines is the ice floe option.”

Your correspondent managed to get an exclusive interview with polar bear Sid Luckman, Katz’s floemate.  Luckman said “I don’t mind frogs every now and then.  You don’t get too many up here ’cause of the cold.  They tell me that this one’s rubber.  My teeth ain’t so good these days.  I don’t know about rubber.  I’m worried about the paint too.   I think they ought to test it for lead.  Last year they sent me some surplus shelter animals.  They weren’t too bad.  They promised me humans this year.  I don’t think a rubber frog is a human.  Maybe I’m wrong.”

Katz’s lawyer, Aleatoric Party Counsel Melvin Belli said, “We’re going to fight this one all the way to the top.  This vibrant rubber frog has so much to give to society.  Just last week he made a fart noise when he saw an ad for Glenn Beck’s show.  I understand he regularly calls up Ann Coulter on pre-paid cell phones and breathes heavily when her voice mail picks up.  The other day he spent 8 solid hours passing out heroin to middle school students.  He had a hard time leaving when they found out he had exhausted his supply.  This frog has something to give everyone.”

Katz said “I know my defense team is top notch.  This isn’t over by any means.”

The picture below shows Katz as he left the hearing room.





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Optimist who doesn't believe in progress. Class clown manque.

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