Re-write the fairy tale, Snow White, from the point of view of one of the 7 dwarves.
Well, I knew nothing good was going to come of this. I warned them fools that the tart was gonna be trouble. Did they listen to me? Heck, NO. Do they ever listen to me?
It all started when we came home from the mines and we noticed that someone cleaned the house. Oh, for fairy’s sake, who in their right mind would clean house? The dishes were not only washed and dried; they were put in the cupboards as well. The clothes were all washed and folded and put in the proper drawers. The floor was swept and mopped!! What a waste of time, we were just gonna get things dirty all over again.
That’s when the tart appeared. She was making the beds! The beds for fairy’s sake. Why would anyone want to tuck the blankets in? Anyway, she pops out of the bedroom like she owns the place and gets all scared. Hey! Who’s the intruder here lady? Not us… we live here.
Then she introduces herself as Snow White. What kinda name is Snow anyway? And she gives us this sob story about how her Daddy died and her step-mother was some wicked old witch who was tryin’ to off her. Yeah, right. But the boys believed her. Heck, I could get Dopey fallin’ for this line of crap, he’s not got a lot upstairs anyway. But, Doc? Oh, come one, he’s been to college.
So the boys, against MY wishes mind you, said she could stay. She promised that we wouldn’t regret it in the least. And for a while I thought she was gonna change my mind about her. She make us breakfast every morning. Send us off to work with hearty lunches. And when we got home a hot supper was always waiting. The only down side was she insisted that we take a bath… EVERY NIGHT!! Gives me chills just thinkin’ about it.
Then one day we some home from work and there’s no supper. “See!” I told those fools, “she jumped ship!” OK, I felt a little … yeah, yeah a lot bad when I found her layin’ dead on the floor. Man, the boys started wailin’ and cryin’ like they’d lost their mamma or somethin’. Looked like that witch the step-mom had caught up with Snow and offed her.
The boys thought it would be grand to make a glass coffin and stuff her in it. Ya know, so they could look at her pretty face every day. Me, I woulda settled for a picture or something. But no, they had to have their way. And that’s what we did we stuffed her in a glass coffin and that’s where she stayed for a few days.
Then along comes this tall guy. Said he was some kinda prince. As if. He said he was lookin’ for Snow White cause his daddy and her daddy had made arrangements for them to get married when they were old enough. We told him she croaked. He was real upset. He knelt down beside the coffin and started weepin’ like some sissy pants. Sheesh man grow some would ya. Then before we could stop him he did something so creepy, I thought I would barf. He lifted the lid of the coffin and started kissin’ her. I mean man who kisses dead people? Freaky!
Well, apparently the old bag queen really was a witch ’cause Snow wasn’t dead after all. She was just like under a spell or something. As soon as they necro-freak kissed her she woke up.
She was so happy to see him that they kissed again. (YUCK) And then they hopped up on his horse and rode off into the sunset.
Happy ending!? Guess who’s gotta keep washing the stupid dishes!