Alpha and Omega – The List
How many magnets on your refrigerator?
Alpha – We're staying in this place until we can get back on the road again. It's SUCH a dump! The refrigerator must be 50 years old. It's avocado! Why would you even THINK I'd go in the kitchen for something?
Omega- We don't have fridge. I remember Granny's fridge though. She would make these cute little magnets out of plastic canvas and yarn. Little flower baskets and funny animals. She was very folksy with the crafts. She'd put them all over her fridge.
List 3 things you need from the grocery.
Alpha – Do they sell alcohol in the groceries here, or do we have to find a package store?
Omega – Bananas. Whole wheat bread. And earplugs.
What is your favorite show on tv?
Alpha – American Idol! I would totally rock that show. Those lame-o karaoke singers they have on there would be no competition. I'm an actual vocalist! But they won't let freaks on the show. Dale, our manager, says they would never let us on there and besides, who wants to be owned by a fag like Simon Cowell? We do just fine on the small circuit, but I would win that stupid show in the first week.
Omega – I usually watch stuff online when I can get a good signal. YouTube has just about everything. I like programs about history, science, and music. Sitcoms are a great way to escape into another reality. "My Name is Earl" is very clever.
What was the last concert you attended?
Alpha – We ARE a concert. The bug here plays the concertina and I sing these silly, old songs Dale dug up from burlesque and vaudeville. If SHE would learn to play guitar or keyboards, we could really expand the act, but SHE won't do it. There's no reason – she's just a big baby trying to get her way.
Omega – We saw a local group perform at a street fair one summer. They sort of sounded like YES. Lots of texture and layers to their music. I had their CD until SOMEONE sat on it.
Alpha – I didn't like it. They were hacks. Only losers play street fairs anyway.
Omega – Didn't stop you from trying to shag the bass player.
Alpha – No, his wife did that.
What do you like most about yourself?
Alpha – Look at me! I'm gorgeous. You don't even notice the flaw. (She tosses her head toward Omega.) I can sing, dance, and wow them in the balcony. The thing I like most about myself is ME.
Omega – I have an amazing amount of patience.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Alpha – That's sort of obvious, isn't it? I mean, if you have to have a sister stuck to you, at least it could be someone who likes to have fun. Do you have any idea what it's like to drag Ms. Intellectual around all the time? The cruelest joke God could play on me was sticking me with her. I want a sister who grabs the Gusto, and the Joe, and the Charley…
Omega – There is always the surgical option, but someone isn't willing to take the risk. Not much call for girls who know all the words to "Bang Bang Lulu" if she doesn't have something unique about her.
Alpha – Oh, bitch! Like I need you? Talent like mine is unique. And it wouldn't be hard to put together a band of solid musicians around a voice like mine.
Omega – The last time we tried that you had to start trouble by sleeping with all of them.
Alpha – No, you started trouble by not sleeping with ANY of them. How else are you going to get guys to travel this circuit without offering a little sweetener with the paycheck? Give them their freak cred, you know?
Omega – Bette Midler, Tina Turner, Janis Joplin, Aretha Franklin; they and so many more did not need a conjoined sister to be successful. They possessed a little thing called "talent."
Alpha - Oh, I forgot. You're the reason people come see ME. Wail on that little squeezebox, why don't you? Cover up the flat harmonies you sing.
Omega – When was the last time you heard anything over that Ethel Merman honk you call a voice?
Alpha – What's an Ethel Merman? Is that a Ford?
What scares you?
Alpha – Running out of party liquor! Really, what is there to fear?
Omega – Sexually transmitted diseases and broken condoms.
Alpha – Why the hell would you be worried about THAT, Miss Virgin Mary?
Omega – glares at Alpha.
Alpha – Oh.
What comforts you?
Alpha – I can always depend on that roadie, Mike.
Omega – Knowing that one day, Lindy will walk free.
Alpha – In your dreams. We're not breaking up the act.
Omega – Shut up, Cindy.