As I sat on the sofa recovering from Thanksgiving dinner I started thinking about how once again I found myself in the middle of the holidaze. Do not try this at home — thinking is a dangerous activity on a full stomach.
At Thanksgiving we polished off most of the remaining Halloween candy as appetizers while wearing our Halloween costumes because at $59 a pop I wanted us to get more than one wearing out of them and, to be perfectly honest, some relatives look better in costume.
My choices after dinner were thinking or watching football. With the turkey tryptophan lull in full force, I was too tired for football. So I thought instead and here’s what I came up with. We should create a new holiday that rolls Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas into one nice, tight week-long package so we can get the holidays over with quickly and get on with important business such as deciding who we think should be nominated for Oscars this year and whether Joan Rivers should be allowed on television any longer.
I suggest we call the new conglomerated holiday package —Hallowgivingmas. Why? Well, if you start preparing for Halloween on, say, October 15, then under today’s rules you are embarking on a three-month holiday period — assuming you can recover from New Year’s Eve by January 15. I say we consolidate those separate festivities into one mega-holiday and give everyone a whole week off.
My one-week Hallowgivingmas would include all the key ingredients of each of the existing holidays: masks, candy, turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce. Then you top off the week with presents and champagne, lots of champagne, you’ll need it by then. We would create a totally new holiday like George’s father on “Seinfeld” did with Festivus. Remember how well that worked out?
If you are of another religious persuasion you can substitute the holiday of your choice for Christmas. There could be Hallowgivinguka and Hallowgivinganzaa or … well, you get the point.
What would a holiday be without decorations? Relaxing, but I’m not optimistic we can change this engrained tradition. That raises the question of how one decorates for Hallowgivingmas.
The way I see it there are two choices. A neighborhood can band together, draw lots and one house will decorate for Halloween, the next house for Thanksgiving, the final house for Christmas and so on around the block.
Or you can put on your thinking caps and meld the three occasions into one mélange of decoratory glamour. (Yes, I made up a word.) For example, who says the blown up plastic Santa has to ride in a sleigh? He could be popping out of a pumpkin. It was good enough for Cinderella.
Instead of carving the pumpkin you could cut out holes in a giant foam candy cane and have tiny goblins sticking their heads through the holes. Instead of holly berries on the door wreath, use cranberries, etc.
I think indoor decorations can be left to the individual households to fight out in private. Of one thing I am sure, stockings hung by the chimney with care are non-negotiable.
Then there is the matter of mascots. Halloween has the Great Pumpkin and Christmas has Santa Claus. President’s Day has two mascots, George and Abe. Yet Thanksgiving has no mascot unless you count the turkey, but that’s a limited engagement. Consider the Easter Bunny. He has nothing to do until spring so he’d probably like a fall job. Cut holes in a pilgrim hat for his ears and he’ll fit right in.
That leaves one remaining conundrum: the football schedule, which is above my pay grade but I wouldn’t worry about it. Whoever is playing whatever, whenever, just put it on the tube and men will tune in.
OK, the recession-embattled retail industry won’t like this idea. Maybe we should hold off until the recession is over and then it’s Merry Hallowgivingmas to all and to all a good fall.