How To Recognize Me If I Try To Contact You From The Afterlife FWE FFT Thursday Writing Essentials Views We See On Our Journeys
How To Recognize Me If I Try To Contact You From The Afterlife
If the dining table mysteriously rises two inches off the floor, look underneath.Â If thereâ€™s a Great Dane under the table, thatâ€™s me.
If the lights flicker, thatâ€™s me.Â I wasnâ€™t paying the electric.
If the living room furniture has been moved in the middle of the night, thatâ€™s not me.Â I had a hernia, remember?
If a yellow-breasted titmouse alights on your windowsill and sings, listen to the song.Â If itâ€™s Christ Lag in Todesbanden from Bachâ€™s OrgelbÃ¼chlein, itâ€™s me.
If you have a vivid dream that you are a contestant on Letâ€™s Make A Deal, pick door Number Two.
If someone comes to the door and introduces himself as Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling, thatâ€™s not me.Â Itâ€™s Peter Cook.
Our secret phrase is â€œpickled logarithmsâ€.
If a spirit medium says, â€œDoug loves you and misses you,â€ sheâ€™s obviously a fraud.Â Get your money back and get out of there.
My favorite sports mascot is not the Seattle Mariner Moose.Â Itâ€™s the Evergreen State College Gooeyduck.
If you find a dollar bill on the sidewalk, thatâ€™s me.Â If you find a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk, thatâ€™s not me.Â Thatâ€™s your ex-husband Jerome, the one that knew how to make money.
If thereâ€™s a housefly buzzing around the kitchen, kill it.Â Itâ€™s not me, it never will be me, so donâ€™t worry about it.
If you feel a tickling sensation on the nape of your neck, thatâ€™s me.Â If you feel a tickling sensation on your inner thigh, thatâ€™s me.Â If you feel a tickling sensation between your toes, ewww!Â The Tinactinâ€™s in my gym bag.
If Timothy Dalton comes to you in a dream, thatâ€™s me.Â If Charles Laughton comes to you in a dream, itâ€™s me if heâ€™s Captain Bligh, but not if heâ€™s Quasimodo.
If you really need to talk to me right away, go see John Edward.Â He knows where I am at all times.
Â© 2012 Douglas J. Westberg. All Rights Reserved. Â Please share this on Gather.com, and elsewhere on the web by means of a link back to this page, but please do not copy. Â Doug’s latest book is The Depressed Guy’s Book of Wisdom from Chipmunka Publishing.
Doug’s Gather Group is Depression and Creativity, devoted to creative writing about depression and related illnesses, and creative writing as therapy. Â Please consider joining. Â You can read more of Doug’s posts there, or here.