Jake Pavelka Shows Us His Sensitive (Read: Wimpy) Side During Last Night’s Episode of “The Bachelor”

Filed in Gather News Channel by on January 19, 2010 0 Comments

In the history of bachelors on The Bachelor, Jake Pavelka is definitely the most sensitive (And if you’re reading between the lines correctly, you understand that I’m calling him a p*ssy).  The guy starts out nearly crying before he bungi jumps with Vienna, and he’s a pilot!  Then again, I don’t think I’d want my junk to be rubbing up another guy’s junk while dangling in the air either, but still.  Just to be clear, I don’t actually have “junk,” but I think Vienna might be doing the tuck, if you get my drift.  As if his admission that he was dizzy and his hands were numb wasn’t enough, he actually said to Vienna, “I heard a high pitched scream and I wasn’t sure if it was you or me.”  Back on the bachelorette home front, the girls were viciously talking behind Vienna’s back, and Psycho Michelle was letting out more gems like “I find myself very attractive, and she’s the opposite of who I am as far as what I can see on the outside.”  That’s a very convoluted way of saying she thinks the girl is fugly.  Much to the girls’ dismay, Vienna did get a rose from Jake, and proceeded to spill her guts on every single little detail of their date, including the bubbly hot tub.  Has she never seen the show before?  I think most people know by now the hot tub is a staple.  Oh, and I forgot that Vienna won the prize for worst aviation pun to date, saying “I’m on Cloud Jake right now.”

The next group of girls got totally blindsided by not only having to perform comedy in front of Jake and a live audience, but by being subjected by Jon Lovitz‘s attempts at humor.  Ashleigh broke down in tears over her anxiety about the situation and, while I’d love to poke fun at her for it, I know I’d do the same.  The girls were about as horrible as could be expected, with Tenley attempting to distract by contorting her body into a pretzel.  Well played, young lady.  Well played.  Corrie took the opportunity to dis some of the other gals, taking the most jabs at the easiest target, Vienna.  Prudie Elizabeth proved she was no prude at all during her standup, as nearly every word had to be bleeped out by the censors.  Kathryn‘s was terrible, as she had no joke and just called Jake on stage to kiss her.  I didn’t think it could get any worse until Psycho Michelle got up there and was so sure she was going to blow the other girls away, but was greeted by crickets with her thinly veiled attempts at referencing her body.  She joked that the tree on stage had no coconuts while knocking on her own shirt to imply where the “coconuts” were.  She only added to the awkwardness by saying “They’re waiting for Jake,” and then she made a golf joke about waiting for her hole to get a one on one.  Girl was doing anything she could to talk about her privates which, I’m guessing, no man has touched in years due to the fact that she is a few coconuts short of a crazy tree.

The after-party was uneventful at first, as most girls took the opportunity to take shots at Vienna.  Sensitive guy that he is, Jake told the cameras, “Bless her heart – she’s not even here to defend herself.”  Back on the home front, the girls with Vienna decided to throw their hatred in her face, and she went running to her room to journal her emotions.  What I wouldn’t give to see what she wrote.  The after-party took an interesting turn when Psycho Michelle came completely unraveled, and tore Jake a new one for not kissing her with the ferocity that she wanted.  She threatened, once again, to leave, and Jake told her not to let the door hit her in the overrated ass…or at least that’s what I wish he would have said.  Jake’s easily hurt feelings took over, and he told the girls he wasn’t even giving out the rose because he “needed time” (to go hike up his skirt).  Okay, I added that last part but it should have been understood.

Jake (read: the decision makers at ABC) decided to pull the ol’ cliche kid visit during Ella‘s one-on-one visit, and he surprised her by having her son Ethan show up on their date at Sea World.  Despite being an obvious attempt to play on our emotions, it felt eerily familiar.  However, it wasn’t completely painful in the long run, and Ella is probably one of the most normal girls on the show.  She did show a bit of arrogance as well, though, by telling cameras that she believes she’ll be the last girl standing.

After displaying his vulnerable side to the girls, Jake apparently grew a pair and confronted Prudie Elizabeth by basically telling her he doesn’t believe she’s quite as prudie as she makes out to be.  In her defense, she did admit that it wasn’t really the spiritual aspect as much as her jealous side.  Jake implied she was a tease, and all she seemed to take from the whole conversation was that he was obsessed with kissing her.  Man, these girls seriously need to take their egos down a few thousand notches.

The rose ceremony began, and Jake shocked the pants off me by giving the last rose to Ashleigh instead of Elizabeth.  You just redeemed yourself, my man!  The other gal to be eliminated was Valishia, who I thought was a staffer–I mean, have we even seen that girl at all?  The most intriguing thing about her is that she lists her profession to be a Homemaker, which I guess I always assumed meant that you were married.  Hmmm…the things you learn while watching educational shows like The Bachelor.

 

 

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