Me vs GPS

Filed in Gather Writing Essential by on April 30, 2012 0 Comments

We have a GPS we call her the B***H in the Box with an Australian accent.



He said –she said

Anyone have one? They even come with voices. A friend told me her friend has one and it comes with a nice calm female voice to give directions. If you should decide to take an alternative route she will simply re arrange your route in that same calm demeanor.

Let’s call her Tina

Female GPS: Oh I see you have decided to take another route to your destination. We don’t mind people thinking out of the box; let me take a minute to recalculate the directions. There you go, now turn left at the lights? Oh you’ve decided to go straight after all just as well there was a detour the other way.  Now turn right; Right not left, turn right again and another right, right again here. What do you mean there’s no road? Okay I am kinda tired now I need to rest. Call me only if you really need me.


The male one could sound like this.—This is George


Male GPS: Okay it’s obvious that you can’t find your way out of a paper bag, that’s why you have me. Strap yourself in. Cops are brutal in these parts. If you get a ticket for that U-turn you just made, don’t come crying to me; I am not paying it!

If you insist on driving like a sissy I will recommend ONSTAR.

I said left not right! Wrong, DUMB ASS, GO BACK!

You’re not listening. Did anyone tell you that you drive like a girl?—WAIT, YOU ARE ONE!

Lost again I see; did you lose your way out of the birth canal? If you are not going to follow directions, I am not going to waste my breath. Oh it’s like that is it well fine good night. Don’t call us we’ll call you. MORON!


What happens when your GPS goes wacko–when your so-called voice of reason on the road takes an odd turn you never subscribed to?

Sally as she was referred to before I started calling her “THAT BITCH!”; decided on an entirely different route than what we logged in. Somewhere in that little electronic brain of hers, she decided that one part of Key West was more scenic than the other.


I tried to re-key the proper coordinates, but no she wasn’t having any of that!  At this point I ignored her and got out the map we had bought as a back up plan.  Paper trumps temperamental technology any day and I can still read, thank heaven.


Realizing I was not going to behave like the good little step-ford wife the programmer wanted me to be(it had to be a guy), Sally started to go ape shit and spew advertising for the maker of the unit.  Buy brand x–we can help–Help? MY ASS!)


Finally I shut the little PSYCHO BITCH off and turned to a nice easy listening radio station and referred to the city guide.

GPS units should provide this service:

Warning angst filled driver ahead–gender is not relevant–if  individual is female have Kleenex ready.

Either way  you really don’t want to deal with the person, Take precautions.

Don’t follow to close. Any hasty moves may trigger road rage.

Ask yourself how lucky you feel –think Dirty Harry Punk speech from–Sudden impact.

Um  you’re Kissing their bumper, maybe wise to back off.

No? Are you sure you want to do this?

You’ve been warned!

Just like to add the fact that driver just flipped the bird at you.

Passenger has a baseball bat, driver is loading semi-automatic.

Oh for Pete’s sake BACK OFF

You’re too young to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


About the Author ()

Funny , entertaining, love to share my work and show off the grandson--can't help it. the boy is adorable!!!!!!!!!!!

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