Pippa Middleton’s Party Book Is Banal Beyond Belief

Filed in Gather Celeb News Channel by on November 2, 2012 0 Comments

If ever there was a book that needed burning, it’s Pippa Middleton’s ‘Celebrate‘—a party bible for people who get intoxicated watching paint dry.

If you’re one of those hedonistic halfwits that get their kicks ironing Autumn leaves for table decorations, and show all the fawning gratitude of a beaten and servile dog when someone solemnly imparts such mind-numbingly boring advice as, “Sunglasses can be a stylish way of keeping bright light from your eye,” or, “Google is a great resource for searching for internet sites and finding out information and pictures of kittens,” then you’ll howl with ecstasy when reading the new book by Kate Middleton’s sister.

If on the other hand, your intelligence is capable of being insulted, your taste tormented, and your dignity degraded, you’d do well to avoid Pippa’s book like the plague.

Reviewer after reviewer has snarled like a wronged literary god and frothed at the mouth in disbelief when confronted with the sheer vacuous horror of home grown Middleton advice such as, “Save time by doing things more quickly.” Like vomiting perhaps? And how about this little saucy nugget, “Breakfast in bed can be anything from a simple pot of tea with a few digestive biscuits to a tray laden with early-morning goodies and flowers.”

It’s hardly Nietzche is it, but Celebrate does seem to be illuminated from within with the unholy glow of existential despair. How else do you explain such anguished and poetic pleas from the abyss as, “A glass or net food cover can be useful to protect sticky cakes from flies.”

File:V-J Day in Montreal.jpgCelebrate! These lucky ladies and gentlemen have just found out that Pippa’s book has been banned in their town!

Poor Pippa such gleeful tips as, “If you have trouble opening lids and screwing in light bulbs, why not find a male friend to help? ” is not the kind of thing you expect to hear from someone whose ass has gone global and who not so long ago was partying hard with gun waving French playboys.

Pippa’ Middleton’s parties must be incredibly dull if Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends is her golden standard.

Kate Middleton’s disgruntled sister barks somewhat inanely in her book, “I don’t think here’s a right way or a wrong way to celebrate.” Which is exactly the kind of nonsensical remark that basically seems to suggest “My book is crap and doesn’t mean anything. But there are lots of lovely pictures of me in it doing wholesome things like threading conkers, helping children paint eggs and stir Christmas puddings.”

Celebrate is merely an excuse for Pippa to cash in on her royal connections and create a shocking literary crime in the process.

What the world is really waiting for is Prince Harry’s forthcoming party guide which is rumored to be provisionally titled, “No limits: A Year of Behaving Badly.”

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