Once again, ABC is making me eat my hat regarding my prediction that this would be the most boring season of The Bachelor yet with Jake Pavelka as the man of the hour. Last night’s episode provided an overabundance of drama, and even more bad aviation puns. Whereas the former Bachelor drinking game used to be to down a shot every time someone said “journey” or “connection,” this season it should be any time anyone says “I’m on cloud nine,” or the like. Trust me – you’ll be absolutely smashed each week.
The show began with a group of the girls doing a photo shoot for InStyle Magazine, which everyone but restaurant manager Christina loved. She repeatedly pointed out how intimidating it was that many of the other girls have professional experience, including The Hooter Twins and professional models, Rozlyn and Gia. After the shoot ended, she proceeded to drown her insecurities with several shots, and her drunken conversation with Jake was probably one of the funniest things I’ve ever scene on TV. I’m not sure what she was even saying, but she seemed to be singing and at one point, and then yelled out “Ding ding ding.” It actually made me kind of like her for the first time. Rozlyn rubbed “the girls” all over Jake, which promptly made him run to get the rose for her. He is only human, by the way. He called her “mysterious,” which we found out later is the new word for “slutty.” But I digress. Rozlyn had a great time rejoicing on camera, calling it a “feeling of accomplishment.”
Ali got the only one-on-one date of the evening and, although I probably like her the best of all the girls so far, her aviation puns were seriously killing me. As Jake flew her to Palm Springs in a small, private jet, she said that when the plane took off, that was their relationship taking off. She went on to say that she was “flying high today” and “on cloud nine.” Seriously, make it stop! As if to stick it to me in the nausea department, ABC decided to play the cheesy number “On The Wings Of Love” during that scene, and I nearly lost my dinner.
The second group of girls got their invitations to the next group date, and three people were left off the list – Tenley, Ella, and Pyscho Michelle. Michelle surmised that she is the “nice girl that everyone hates.” Well, you got one part right. The next group had Six Flags Magic Mountain all to themselves, which is a dream of mine, btw. The only times I’ve gone there I’ve had other people’s sweat on me. Elizabeth revealed that she, too, has a little psycho in her by reading Jake a letter which directed him not to kiss her unless he was planning on asking her to marry him. Okay, Elizabeth, have ya seen this show before? Later, Vienna decided to tell Jake an emotional secret which, frankly, I thought was going to be the fact that Vienna’s been hiding a sausage. Apparently, it was just the fact that she married someone she barely knew at 18. Big deal. Ashley c-blocked the interaction by interrupting and, when Vienna tried to get some sympathy from prudy Elizabeth, she told her she should have utilized her time better. Kitty likes to scratch!
The big bombshell came later when Chris Harrison took Rozlyn aside and told her that due to her “inappropriate relations” with a staffer, she was being asked to leave. First of all, I love Chris Harrison and his barely contained laughter. Second of all, her reaction was priceless. First, she tried to deny it. Then, she said “I don’t think my personal life is anyone’s business.” Priceless, girl! You should run for office! We then were treated to a scene of her packing up her stuff while another enormous staffer supervised the packing session. The girls all pretended to be shocked and offended, while everyone knows that they were internally high-fiving themselves to see those hooters hit the road. In the end, we said goodbye to sweet (and yet a tad pathetic) teacher Michelle and Christina. Apparently, ABC has persisted in asking Jake to string along Psycho Michelle so we can watch her tenuous grasp on reality slip away for good. Bravo!