Stupid Burglars

Filed in Gather Writing Essential by on March 22, 2010 0 Comments


Apparently, this is the year of the stupid burglar.


First, there was that thief in Pennsylvania who broke into a house, ransacked it, then cut his hair and took a shower. But that’s not all. Next, neatly coiffed and flower fresh, he snapped on the TV and fried up some chicken. When the burglaree came home and found an unknown man watching Jay Leno (or Conan–who can keep track?), waiting for some chicken to crisp, he put two and two together and called the cops. (Robbery 101: never cook fried chicken at a crime scene: too time-consuming. Stick to something simple, a grilled cutlet, say, and then get the hell out of there.)


Then I heard about that guy who stole a two-carat diamond ring and tried to sell it three hours later, at the shop where the ring had originated. (Hello.) The cops were summoned and the bonehead burglar swallowed the ring, but then had a coughing fit and the thing shot up and rocketed across the room, landing at the feet of a policeman, who (sharp as a tack) put two and two together. (Robbery 101: always swallow jewelry slowly, preferably chewing it a little first, like your mother told you to do with brisket.)


Then there was the car thief who tried to steal an unmarked police car. He emptied the car of its juicy contents, the Taser, some handcuffs and whatever else cops carry around. But, not only did he sting himself with the Taser, he accidentally cuffed his hands together, then called the police for help. (Robbery 101: you are the perp, not the cop. They are supposed to sting and cuff you, you do not need to do it yourself. If you should forget this rule in mid-burgle and find yourself braceleted, call a friend with a hacksaw, not some testy public servant who will put two and two together.)

Finally, there was the guy who stole a SUV and then, leaving it parked in front of his house, went in to play the video game, Grand Theft Auto. That’s where the police found him, and they put two and two together. (Robbery 101: park the stolen car in front of the house of the guy who bullied you in high school, not in front of your own. Then go home and snap on the Food Network. If the police drop by, tell them you are busy watching Paula Deen prepare her famous Brunch Burger and they will not put two and two together but instead will go back to Starbucks and leave you alone.)





About the Author ()

I'm an actor/singer/songwriter/author and mom. I have two teenage girls and a couple of lively dogs. My husband works too hard but he's an excellent guy. I like to read, and I sort of hate to cook but I do it anyway. You can check my website for

Leave a Reply