Sugar News: Dead Again

Filed in Gather News Channel by on July 15, 2007 0 Comments

Fleyshie Friday, what does it mean to be dead?

Little Gatherite, climb upon the gartered knee of your faithful Newshound. She will tell you what it means to be dead. In the dead heat of summer. In the dead-end world of Entertainment News.

Sometimes, “dead” means “not doing anything remotely interesting or entertaining, and proud of it.” This seems to be holding true for teeny-weeny Calista Flockhart, former it-waif and eponymous star of “Ally McBeal.”Apparently she adopted a son in 2002 and has announced recently that she has “zero ambition” when it comes to revitalizing her career—and this has nothing to do with the fact that the 90’s itsy-bitsy-lawyerette niche has dried up. She claims that, for example, son Liam’s entrance into nursery school sent her into a “period of mourning,” apparently unmatched by the mourning Shakespeare lovers endured while witnessing Flockhart in the 1999 flick “Midsummer Night’s Dream.” Too bad she’s so absorbed in child-rearing, because any day now, the 90’s are coming back and her widdy-biddy acting services may again be in-demand. In the meantime, Liam’s enrolling in grade school promises to be a three-tissue-boxer for sure.

“Dead” can also mean “not dead, but damn old.” Phyllis Diller is wearing that crown tonight. The bawdy 90-year-old has fractured her back, and will have to miss a special “Tonight Show” appearance so she can heal. Her manager Milt Suchin said, “She was going to do a standup bit, but she can’t stand up properly.” Thanks, Milt: no punchline needed for that one! Diller is still planning a Beverly Hills gala celebration in honor of her 90th birthday, and will return to voiceover work and other sit-down comedy once she’s recovered.

Can Katie Couric recover from being the silliest anchor CBS has ever hired? I’m all for sisters doing the news for themselves, but could we have found an anchor with a less-cutesy first name? I wouldn’t want my doctor to be a Stacey, and I don’t want my terrorist alerts from a Katie. America seems to agree with me; Katie-Watie’s ratings are the lowest the network has seen in years. A recent New York Magazine cover featuring Katie’s trying-very-hard-to-be-somber punimand the headline, “Oh My God, What Did I Do?” suggests that the Anchor-Wanchor might be trying to ease her gamine’s gams out of prime-time reporting… but CBS insists that she’s got a 5-year-contract and, like a good pair of pantyhose, they support her all the way.

Guess who's not being supported by his pantyhose, or in this case, his retailers? If you guessed the Artist Formerly Known As Prince Who’s Back To Being Prince Again, you guessed right! Betcha didn’t guess that Paul Quirk, co-chair of Britain’s Entertainment Retailers Association, recently said, “The Artist Formerly Known as Prince should know that with behavior like this he will soon be the Artist Formerly Available in Record Stores.” What was The Purple One’s crime? Prince is giving away his new album for free!Everyone in Great Britain who buys a Mail On Sunday newspaper this Sunday will get a free copy of Prince’s new “Planet Earth” cd, as will anyone who buys a ticket to Prince’s upcoming Britain tour. Retailers are screaming that such antics send a message that music has been “devalued”, but those who Watch the Industry say that Prince is actually breaking new ground—putting his music out there in a fresh way, taking power away from the downloading freeloaders, and making millions upfront instead. Purple Rain, reign on!

Sometimes in Hollywood, you can be just as dead as they come, and still get sexually harassed by a wookie. That’s what happened to Marilyn Monroe, or at least, her impersonator. The Actress Currently Playing Marilyn was posing for tips and tourist cameras outside the new "Harry Potter" premiere at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood when The Wookie Currently Playing Chewbacca took her hand and placed it on his private parts. Apparently, Chewbacca has not been caught yet, but cops suspect that, like all good wookies, this one will return to the scene of the groping crime. Question number one: How did the Marilyn know her hand was on the wookie’s private parts? Question number two: How did the wookie know?

And lastly, just when you thought all those rock star deaths from the 60’s and 70’s were dead and buried, there’s one that’s come back from the vault. According to Sam Bernett, a French-born New York Times journalist and former manager of the Parisian nightclub Rock’n’Roll Circus, Jim Morrison did not die “of natural causes” in 1971 in his apartment in Paris as his official death certificate states, but of a heroin overdose in the nightclub bathroom. The Bearded Snake was evidently at the club scoring some horse for his girlfriend Pamela Courson (currently totally dead, of a heroin overdose in 1974), and was discovered slumped over the toilet hours later. Just in time for the publication of The End, his book about Jim Morrison, Bernett says that two drug dealers hauled Morrison back to his apartment, put him in the toilet, and swore the poor journalist to secrecy… until now! There’s word that the police might even re-open the case… why, exactly? Either the toilet killed him or the bathtub did… but it’s all just plumbing in the end…

Isn’t it, my only friend?

Til next week, newshounds!Stay alive!

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A Girl Friday with my eye on the prize: to bring you the latest in hot, scoopy entertainment news.

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