Mild-Mannered Bystander: You want me to what?
Fleyshie Friday: It’s the writer’s strike, you fool! I want you to turn scab and write my column for me!
MMB: But I support the strike…
FF: Take it easy, scab. Stop chomping on my bit.
MMB: …I do think the members of the Writers Guild of America deserve more compensation when their work is put on the internet than what the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers want to give them.
FF: All right, scab! If you want to sell out, be my guest! Just do it behind my back!
MMB: I don’t want to write your column for you!
FF: That’s too bad, Flunky For The Man! You’ve got a yellow-bellied job to do! Get to it!
MMB: Please, let go of my shirt collar…
FF: Tell ‘em all about all the actors who are supporting the strike! Ellen Degeneres, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, all the hot guys from ER… Tell ‘em there are rumors that Jon Stewart is still paying his writers while they strike out of his own production company’s pocket! Tell ‘em that Eva Longoria was photographed with the strikers handing out pizzas!
MMB: Please… don’t make me do this…
FF: Oh, you still want your entertainment news, is that it, Scab? You don’t care about the plight of the poor (average annual salary, $200,000) television writers? You asked for it…
MMB: Please don’t throw your drink in my face!
FF: Didja hear about Oprah Winfrey, scab?
MMB: Ow! It burns!
FF: Seems all those rumors about the horrible abuses at The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls were true all along! A dorm matron has been accused of regularly assaulting at least 6 students, and telling the girls to “put on happy faces” when Mama Oprah came to visit. Oprah is firing the headmistress of the school and promises a “shake-down” to get everything back on track.
MMB: Please stop shaking me!
FF: Quiet, scab! Why don’t you cross another picket line?
MMB: I don’t want to write your column!
FF: Why don’t you tell ‘em about all the exciting upcoming film and tv projects coming down the pipe! Tonight, “South Park” is going to feature a special “Guitar Hero” section, so that at-home players of the video game can play the Chef’s hit “Chocolate Salty Balls” on their own “guitars.”
MMB: Leave me alone…
FF: Why not tell them about the super-duper definitive “Twin Peaks” box set which has just been released, featuring a full-length documentary, never-before-seen deleted scenes, more goodies than you can shake a stick at, all personally approved by David Lynch himself? Why don’t you ask everyone what Fleyshie Friday is supposed to do with the “Twin Peaks” box set she already has, which has all-at-once become totally insufficient for her “Twin Peaks” needs?
MMB: Why don’t you tell them, Friday?
FF: Because I’m not a scab like you, scab! Why don’t you tell ‘em the horrible truth about director Ridley Scott, who once gave us “Blade Runner,” and is now working on a feature-length comedy-thriller based on “Monopoly” the board game? What, is Mr. Hat going to bump off Mr. Shoe for Mediterranean?
FF: Or why don’t you tell them about the horrible “Grease” remake that might be in the works starring Michelle “Grease 2” Pfeiffer as the Principal and Jessica Simpson as Sandy? How do you think they’ll like their entertainment news NOW?
MMB: (gargling, choking sound)
FF: May this strike last forever! Workers unite!