As decreed by the Constitution, the 52nd Grammy Awards took place on Sunday night on CBS. Sometimes they have a host, sometimes not. Sometimes they take place in The Staples Center, sometimes not. I prefer when they take place in The Staples Center without a host, it’s just smoother that way.
The show began with a stirring opening by Lady Gaga. Here’s the thing about The Lady, I prefer her much more when she’s not trying to shock everybody. She shows up to the red carpet in a contraption. Not an outfit, a contraption, something that belongs more in Transformers than on a woman. But it’s her choice, I just think it’s ugly.
She opened with Bad Romance, and then transitioned into a cover of some dude’s song. That dude being Elton John, who actually has a 30 years leg up on being an outrageous diva. She’s trying. They did a nice little piano ditty, although they were both decked out in outrageous face paint, which I think Mr. John probably didn’t appreciate – but oh well. He sings better when he’s furious.
Before the commercial breaks they announce when the next performers will be on. Like ‘In 45 minutes, Beyonce.’ So all of sudden Beyonce is a train we’re waiting to catch. Really, CBS? I get that they want people to stay tuned, but maybe have good performers and they won’t have to worry, just an idea.
Seal introduces Pink, who introduces us to what she’s look like if she was covered in white drapery. Pink removes her drapery, and does her trademark sheet acrobatics in the middle of The Staples Center. Now she’s soaking wet, still singing, and hanging, pretty athletic if you ask me. Now she’s spinning, upside down, and for the dismount. 10’s all around. Standing Ovation, holysh*t.
Keith Urban out to present the award for Best New Artist. Zac Brown Band wins. Hmmm. Next up is Miley Cyrus to present The Black Eyed Peas who sing a medley of their hits, including their moneymaker ‘Empire State.’ Hmm, I might be off on that. Let me google it. They keep cutting the audio, I hope they’re not being profane.
They announce the Michael Jackson Tribute in 59 minutes, featuring Smokey Robinson, Jennifer Hudson, and Celine Dion. Are you serious, Celine Dion? That’s not cool.
The Jonas Brothers come out to introduce Lady Antebellum. They look so adult and ready for doing grown-up things, you just want to pinch their promise rings. And the Jonas Brothers look good as well.
The Best Comedy Album is up next. Spinal Tap, A Colbert Christmas, Weird Al, Patton Oswalt, Kathy Griffin, George Lopez are the nominees. Stephen Colbert wins. I sense a fix.
Robert Downey and Junior comes out, looking dapper as always. He introduces Jamie Foxx to sing the ‘Blame’ song. Jamie Foxx is wearing a horse riding outfit, and T-Pain comes out wearing a white tuxedo. In the words of Chuck D, ‘I’m a-aight if you a-aight.’ Here comes Doug E Fresh for some beatboxing. Here comes Slash. A woman comes out who looks like ‘Precious’ but it’s not, it’s Jamie’s sister, sorry for the confusion.
Here we have Kesha and Justin Bieber, an unlikely duo. She took his virginity just standing next to him. They are here to introduce another unlikely duo: Katy Perry and Alice Cooper. Green Day is the winner for Best Rock Album. Nicely done, Green Day.
Lionel Ritchie comes out to introduce the Michael Jackson Tribute. Hold on to your hats, folks. This is in 3-D, or at least it would be if I had my special glasses, but I don’t. I will now suffer. Here’s Celine Dion, NOW I’m suffering. Okay, Usher just came out, I feel better. Smokey Robinson walks out to get things going. This is pretty good, in 2-D no less. His children come out to accept the award. I say ‘his’ children with a grain of salt. They ain’t his kids. Oh ,he may have raised them, but his DNA is not included in their physical presentation. I’m just sayin’.
Best Rap Collaboration. Did you see Kanye? Where’s Kanye? Has anyone seen him? Mos Def is stoned off his ass, and Placido Domingo looks on in his Italian way. The award goes to Jay-Z and Rihanna for Run This Town. Jay gives a shout out to Kanye, and no one boos. Very nice indeed.