Last nights episode of The Bachelorette is what we call epic Reality TV, if by “epic” you understand that I mean any of us who watched it lost a good deal of brain cells and should probably up our ginkgo biloba STAT. The reveal of who had the girlfriend mercifully happened right away, and was predictably Justin. The most awesome part was Chris Harrison showed up to Ali‘s door and said “Welcome to Turkey!” He then proceeded to say she needed to call Jessie from the last season of The Bachelor, as she had some “news” regarding one of the guys. Jessie was in Toronto (Hint number one million and forty-seven that it was Justin), and she handed the phone to Justin’s girlfriend, Jessica. Considering Justin has a huge ego and is a pretty good looking guy, it was a tad shocking to see that Jessica was heinous with a capital “H.” She could pass for Snooki‘s Canadian double. Jessica proceeded to drop the girlfriend bomb on Ali, telling her that it was all for “fame.” The best part was Jessica had also discovered that Justin had another girlfriend back home. Who knew Rated R had it in him? That part was all a bit predictable, but who didn’t laugh when Chris Harrison told her that he found out and immediately came to talk to her? Oh, he may have stopped for a cup of joe and about 10 production meetings in which a lot of high-fives were exchanged. Details details. Chris then asked Ali what she was going to say and she said “I have an idea.” Yeah, I think it goes a little something like this: “Listen up, you BLEEP, you BLEEPING BLEEPED up my BLEEP all for a little BLEEP. BLEEP you.”
Ali ended up confronting Justin in front of the guys, and then Rated P (If you don’t know what the “P” is for after watching last night’s episode, you don’t deserve to watch such great trainwreck TV) proceeded to literally run away from Ali and the cameras instead of talking to her about it. Eventually, he came back and sat down with her, all the while telling Ali that he had just realized his mistake, and even kept the rose she’d given him in his pocket. Hilarious! ABC and Jessi-Snooki teamed up to completely throw Justin under the bus, pairing his walk off the show with numerous voicemails that he had left her declaring his undying love. Let’s say it together, everyone: What…A…Douche. How’s that entertainment wrestling career going now, Rated P?
Ty got a bizarre 1:1 with Ali in Istanbul, as she took him to a steam bath that men had been bathing in for thousands of years. Call me a germophobe but somehow that doesn’t get the ol’ hormones going. They proceeded to oil each other up and make out, but it all seemed a bit forced to me. Maybe it was stanky in there. They met up later for a romantic dinner on the water, where Ali grilled Ty about his divorce. If anyone’s keeping score, I think Ty lost about a gazillion points as he conveyed his “barefoot and pregnant” image of women as he was growing up, even implying that his ex-wife’s career was what threw him off in the marriage. Ali still decided to give him the rose, setting the women’s lib movement back to about the stone ages.
The group date consisted of olive oil wrestling, as 4 oily Turks showed up to wrestle the absolutely frightened-looking 4 bachelors. The match began with Ali oiling up the boys and then a bizarre dance on the part of the Turks, and what followed was gayer than the volleyball scene in Top Gun. It was like gay porn on The Food Network. Hey, that’s genius! The guys inevitably got their asses handed to them, and then they were forced to wrestle one another in an attempt to win the one-on-one time with Ali later that night. At this point, I’ve gotta think the ABC producers stepped in, as the…ahem…not-so-svelte attorney Craig won the olive oil wrestling matches against Chris and Roberto. It was just a coinky dink that he hadn’t gotten a 1:1 with Ali yet. Uh huh. Granted, if he decided to use that gigantic melon of his, I could see it because that thing could double as a weapon of mass destruction. The one-on-one with Craig was predictably lacking in chemistry as he tried to play the “I’m always really positive” card. Meanwhile, back on the homefront, Ty read the date card for Frank, but wasn’t smart enough to realize that “The Road to Love is Bazaar” contained a pun.
Frank and Ali walked around the spice bazaar in Istanbul, shopping and flirting, leaving us all to wonder “Just what is it she sees in this greasy-faced guy?” They had dinner after walking through the water in a beautiful cistern, and I must say I would have killed to do that. Ali proceeded to try and elicit some major feelings out of Frank, which just weren’t really coming, yet she declared their passion for one another anyway. I think I’m missing something here.
In the end, Ali told Chris Harrison that she didn’t need the cocktail party to make her decision, and in the most anti-climactic elimination yet, she gave Craig his walking papers. How did that feel, Mr. Positive? Next week, we head to Portugal and ABC makes time to exploit the breakup of Jake and Vienna for ratings. Good times!