The Dog Whisperer, The Lost Episodes

Filed in Gather Writing Essential by on September 5, 2009 0 Comments

Almost since National Geographic began exploring the nearly-fascinating limits of extreme dog behavior on their wildly popular program The Dog Whisperer, fans have exchanged rumors of the so-called ‘lost episodes’, juicier-than-average installments of the series that were simply too daring or transgressive for even the National Geographic Channel, home of Locked Up Abroad: The Lesbian Years.  Some even hinted that the episodes were not actually ‘lost’, but sealed in a titanium capsule and buried deep in the Marianas Trench by a Nat Geo-trained submersible team.  However, meticulous research of the channel’s archives, along with a daring late-night raid of Cesar Milan’s Pacific Palisades compound, has yielded rare glimpses into these heretofore unseen programs.  Read ‘em and salivate.

 

 

Episode 82-20A, Operation Desert Dog: In the hills of Waziristan, a group of resilient Afghan Hound extremists are terrorizing villages of peaceful poodles and Yorskhire terriers with a range of insidious Improvised Edible Doggy Treats (IEDTs).  Their ultimate goal: to impose Sharia discipline on progressive-thinking dachsunds attending the first female dog behavior school in the country.  Cesar Milan intervenes in the conflict using his unique knack for soothing the Afghans with gentle smooching sounds and promises of extensive infrastructure redevelopment funds.  His tense, cave-side meeting with dreaded warhound Masoum Ali-Abari (known as Wetnose Ali) is a remarkable demonstration of the strategic use of the “sit” command and rawhide toys during battlefield negotiations.

 

Favorite fan moment: Watch for the emotional scene when Cesar teaches an illiterate female dachshund pup to vote with her paw.

 

 

Epsiode 47-3BC, Burn, Doggy, Burn: Milly, a timid, but loveable, American Water Spaniel, is in recovery from a psychologically damaging ordeal involving her owner Trish Horgan, who has a persistent sleepwalking habit, a pyromaniac, ADD-afflicted son and a portly husband overly fond of late-night barbeques.  After eight years of life with the Horgans, Milly has developed a fear of fire, a marked aversion to zombie films and an unhealthy obsession with walking on hot charcoal while devouring pork loins.  Fighting fire with fire, Cesar teaches Milly how to subdue her fears by learning to manage flames: performing simple match tricks, balancing an illuminated tiki torch on her nose and setting controlled burns in the chaparral behind the Horgan property.

 

Favorite fan moment: An over-exuberant Milly swallows a flaming sword and then flourishes it, singeing Cesar’s eyebrows off.  Cesar’s priceless (and browless) facial reaction has become a YouTube classic!

 

 

Episode 9.8 – SKL, Dogs of Anarchy: Roddy, a maverick bulldog with a love for searing headbanger tunage, kept sneaking away from home to get violent, offensive tattoos whenever his owner, Mad Wire, passed out from overindulgence in Jim Beam.  It got to the point where Mad Wire felt awkward taking his tatted, canine buddy, adorned with naked, flying devil chicks and flaming pentagrams, for an innocent walk around the trailer park.  Cesar saves the day by employing his unique dog tattoo removal technique while immobilizing the fully-conscious Roddy in a specially-designed iron bulldog clamp.  But it’s not until Roddy gets counseling on how his flaunting of sexual imagery offends others mores that he sees the light and swears off graphic body ink for good.

 

Favorite fan moment: To win Roddy’s trust, Cesar takes the party animal to Navy Jack’s for a few rounds of stiff boilermakers, after which they bond by getting tattoos of the Crackerjack sailor emblazoned on their respective chests.

 

 

Episode KL – 99, Pups and Tacos: Ambitious Mexican restaurant owner Vicente Uribe sees nothing wrong with putting his family to work at his busy eatery.  But when Vicente has his two Russell Terriers, Pico and Gallo, and his Finnish Spitz, Ginger Snap, join the night shift, he runs afoul of commonly accepted dog labor practices.  While Pico and Gallo enjoy chopping up fresh vegetables for a range of tangy, authentic salsas, Vicente takes advantage of their enthusiasm by paying the hounds sub-par wages under the table and skimping on required bathroom breaks.  Meanwhile, on the prep line, Ginger Snap has developed a nasty allergy to cilantro.  Customers are also complaining that, when waiting tables, the terriers have been known to mix up their orders.  Cesar swings into action, giving Vicente a taste of his own medicine with a 12-hour, no-break shift at a local gypsum mine, and putting Ginger Snap on churro duty, far away from the offending cilantro leaves.  With the dogs back on a normal work shift, their service accuracy improves dramatically, and it’s time for a celebratory flan for everyone.

 

Favorite fan moment: Cesar energetically challenges the terriers to a good-natured competition to see who is fastest at making Vicente’s Macho Burrito from scratch, but Pico tragically gets his paw caught and mangled in the beef grinder.  After the amputation, Cesar and Pico share a memorably touching taco in the ICU.

 

If you found this illuminating, check out my collection of sci-fi parodies, Space Command and the Planets of Doom: http://amzn.to/atEZo9

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