I stared down at the hands that had caused so much chaos. My mind numb, my body aching. I tried to take inventory of the events that had taken place over the last week. I just couldn’t recall how I had come to the conclusion that I would be better off alone.
“Could you just tuck me in? I like it when you do. It feels like you are taking care of me,” I begged as I lay in bed.
“No, you know I have to turn on my C-PAP. It’s too hard to put on in the dark.” He turns to said machine and flips on the blue light that indicates it is running. I stand with a sigh “Fine, but will you at least make the bed while I flip off the rest of the lights?” I turn to see the Vader mask has already taken over my husbands face. The tubes snaked up and over his head and to the small machine. “Can you help me? I’m already hooked up.” I can see the grin under the mask and it softens my nerves a bit. “Fine, grab your side, I’ll grab mine.” We grab the edges of the sheets and lift until they are high above our heads, floating them down to rest on top of the mattress. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
I walk out into the living room of our two-bedroom apartment and set the thermostat to a few degrees cooler than it had been. I get so hot at night and, of course, my husband forgot to do it. I walk into the kitchen and tap the button to turn off the over-head stove light, walk into the second bedroom and flip off the closet light, its bathroom light and the small lamp. I head back into the bedroom and can already hear him snoring.
I grab the throw at the end of the bed and cart it into the living room with me. I place myself in the v made by our sectional and grab the book and book light that are already there. I can never fall asleep when he starts snoring.
After the snoring has begun to subside I crawl into bed next to him and wrap my arms around him. I am about to fall asleep and he begins to squirm away. I knew I shouldn’t have tried to cuddle with him. He can’t take sleeping next to me for too long. I roll back to my side of the bed and wrap my arms and legs around the fluffy white bed partner of mine, my body pillow.
When I wake in the morning he is no longer there. I shower and brush my teeth, then walk out into the living room to start some coffee. When my phone vibrates in my hand I know it is him texting to tell me good morning. A smile spreads across my lips and I reply.
I head to work and as the day goes by I check to see if there is another text waiting for me, nothing.
Just as I am heading out the door to leave I get a call. “Hey, honey”, his voice is chipper and he sounds like he is about to head out. “I just wanted to let you know I am going to go play disc golf when I get back tomorrow.” I sigh. “Can’t you just come home?”
“I would but I haven’t gone to play with the guys in a while. I promise I won’t be gone too long.” Again, I sigh,”Ok but please be home in time for dinner.”
I open the door to my empty apartment and toss my keys on the dinning room table. It looks like tonight I will just be making myself a hodge-podge meal of meats, cheeses and olives. It makes no sense to cook for just myself.
When I am comfortably arranged on the couch, I stretch for the Xbox controller while trying not to let the food on my plate spill off onto the floor. I turn the Xbox on and the welcome screen pops up. I flip over to my husbands profile, since he has the Gold account, and find the Netflix app. I scroll through my recently selected shows and finally decide to re-watch Merlin.
As the night winds down, I brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I make the bed and fluff the pillows. I reach for the cord to plug in my phone and see that he has text me to let me know he was on his way back home. It was an hour or so ago so I don’t respond. I crawl into bed and wrap my arms around my pillow, just like I do every night.