Like my previous response to Wednesday’s Gather Writing Essential’s Challenge that was to create a post that has fishing and green in it. I put the word green in the title so other than that this post isn’t really green.
Like the post I wrote after this one it is a true story. It is also like that one a bit crude but it is a true memory or as best as I can remember it from twenty-four or five years ago with the distortion that age brings with it.
To my friends who might be offended by the crude writing please do not read any further. These memories amused me when they happened and continue to amuse me as I grow older. I did not post them to offend anyone in anyway. Wednesday’s fine editor’s challenge made me feel the time to write these memories down was now. It is my sincerest hope that anyone who reads these posts will enjoy the stories with the understanding that they are just for fun even as I remembered them.
Inside of a major department store four men are talking together. One man is a foot ware manager in the store. The other three are security managers/shrink specialists. One works at the store the other two are from near by stores. They are looking towards the sporting goods department and discussing a problem.
The security manager from the store is talking. He is saying, “At this store we have done very well with our shrink problem. Employee theft has gone way down after we put in to place the program called If Your tagged you’re out. Any employee caught stealing anything is fired with a parting gift of a criminal charge. Shoplifting has gone way down too since they put in the bonus program for any employee who helps catch a shop lifter but the sporting goods department still has a problem. They can’t keep the fishing lures and hooks on the shelves. They aren’t being sold either. Someone has been shoplifting the lures and hooks every time they fill them. Often times with in thirty minutes of when they are put out. I am determined to catch the theif.” The other men nod their heads in sympathy.
As they talk a man dressed in a nice dress shirt, new jeans and new athletic shoes walks to the sporting goods department. They wouldn’t have noticed him except he looks left and right as if he is searching for someone or something. He then goes to the lures and fishing hooks. He holds one of the newest lures up to the light. It has three mean looking hooks under a shiny spoon and they are extremely sharp. As he does so one of the security men makes a comment of how nasty the hooks look, that he was glad he was not a fish as those hooks would really catch his attention. Before he finishes commenting the man in the new jeans and nice shirt loosens his belt and puts the lure down his pants. He looks around but neglects to check his back. He is so pleased with himself that he smiles and then quickly puts the rest of the new lures, older style lures and fishing hooks down his pants. He readjusts his belt and begins to walk casually away as best as he can with so many hooks in his pants.
The three security men follow him. After about thirty seconds he notices them following and quickens his pace. So do they. The security people follow the rules and wait to see if he pays for the lures in his pants. They are not surprised when he walks past the checkout without even slowing down. When he gets to the parking lot the three security managers who all have played football in high school and are quite beefy race after him. It is a sprint. The man in the new pants and nice shirt almost makes it to his car before he is buried under a wall of security managers.
As soon as he hits the pavement he lets out a scream as loud as any the security managers have heard in their lives, it rivals any fire, or emergency alarm. When the security managers get up from tackling him they are very aware that the man in the new jeans now has a great many holes in them and him. He is feeling a supreme discomfort below the waist in a way that he had never felt before and hopefully never would again.
An ambulance and the police were called. He was read his Miranda Rights before the ambulance came. He indicated between sounds and words expressing his great discomfort that he understood the rights read to him. It was said that it took two hours of surgery to remove all of the hooks though only the hospital staff knew for certain and they weren’t talking, smiling but not talking.
The man in the nice shirt and new jeans was given community service. The judge said anything more than that after the lesson he was given in the parking lot would be considered cruel and unusual punishment. He never shoplifted again of course no one ever saw him in the store again either. Who says aversive therapy doesn’t work?